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| one year ago the most important woman in my life was still alive. i just moved home and every night was refreshing and needed. i was in the best relationship a guy could ask for. school was upcoming and exciting.
now i cant listen to Glósóli without wanting to cry. (after my grandmother died and i went back in my car and turned on my ipod it was the climactic part; all loud and glorious.) (and it was pretty much our song.) im without. and school is exciting... but not enough to get excited about.
i have an enjoyable time in the micro (like my awesome last two nights and a very delicious peach waiting for me when i got home tonight) but i cant look forward to the future. it doesnt seem like its bright enough to see. things are just running out. people are dying. and fantastic new things are turning old and sour. and everything hurts. everything.
it could be worse. im the godfather to the most beautiful baby in the world. and at least the new sigur rós album is still spectacular. | | |
| my grandmother just passed away. i was there. i have never seen someone die.
i dont see how life can end like that in an absense of breath and a release of the black from her stomach. it cant end like that. i know it didnt. somehow she is with my grandpa and family and old friends ... not here. seeing her body and feeling its cold, i just knew something isnt there anymore. its somewhere else. it just feels like that... and the law of conservation of mass says so too.
she's somewhere else, i know. not here. probably wont be back for a while. walking around without canes, running even, kissing her Sweetie Pie. not being in pain.
so many people loved that woman. she is one of the most important people in my life. i love her so much. i know she knows that too, which is so comforting.
i miss her so much.
Frances Delores McArthur
November 14, 1924 - August 2, 2007
on the plus side, i can now see thestrals. | | |
| is there a time in someone's life where their dreams are just too farfetched and should be abandoned? once high school is over, why do you have to pick one thing to do with your life? why are dreams now going to be pathetic?
im not ready to give up. i dont think my musical failure has ever hit me. until about a half hour ago. ive just convinced myself that cooking is more practical and up my alley. no. i still want to be a bassist. probably not symphonic though. ive always wanted to play in traveling broadway shows and to become a studio musician. but i dont see a way that this can come true. if i am to persue something this specific...
i'd probably have to abandon all other options and i dont know if i can do that. food still attracts me. culinology still attracts me... even though i may have to go back to unl after i finish at metro. i still want to do something scientific and math related. i want to do something with language. and yet i want to do what i know im good at and can make a living in and also be happy. but yet i thought that i was good at bass and could make a living and be happy.
i want to blame someone.
my parents for being so fucking logical about EVERYTHING! they always ask "are you sure you want to ______" and raised me to think first and then act. i want to be able to live with wreckless abandon, break everything in my body and move to Bhutan to discover what i want in poverty yet with a giant smile on my face. dont show the monks though.
the school system for making me have to be proficient in every subject thus like the subject thus want to do something with every single one of them. when were we supposed to learn about specification? the sign up day for college? yeah, makes tons of sense.
my genetics for making my right and left brain equally active and not just able to be accel in the maths and sciences OR the arts. both would never work. ever. stupid physiology.
im not ready to give up on dreams. i dont know who to talk to though. ive never really had a mentor type of person. well, thats a lie... he's been dead for about 7 years now. i just dont know what to do. american idol auditions are coming to omaha and i guess jack, casey, josh, and sarah are going. and then jolene and that bunch are currently at their walt disney world of theatre. and itd be pretty hard to just audition for a show and plan to get accepted. thats the thing about bassists. teachers always overlook you yet expect you to be the best. and its a little to late to do small community theatres. (or is it?)
im really scared of what id have to go through to fulfill this dream. how much will it cost? what will i have to give up? will i have to give up the greatest feeling a man can feel?
i dont want this thought to end here, in 12 pt geneva. i dont have anyone to blame now. just pick up your shit, tie it onto a stick in a paisley handkerchief, put it over your shoulder and go. so simple. next time i post i want to have made progress. really bad.
i know you didnt mean for this to come from your phone call. | | |
| 1) Write 14 things you wish you could say to people
2) Don't say who they are.
3) Never discuss it again
1. we havent really kept too much in touch since ive gone to lincoln and you out of your moms house, and that sucks. these last couple times it has become kind of apparent like music choices and running out of things to talk about. but i can still feel that we'll be connected 4 LYFE BOI! going through something that traumatic brings you close, even when you dont live in close proximity anymore.
2. i had no idea that this would become something so important and wonderful. i had a clue, of course, even just from hanging out a handful of times i knew we connected in the weirdest way.
you make everything new and keep them fresh, like sexy shrink wrap, and remind me that i really havent been through anything like this. nothing close.
things like this arent supposed to be so good for so long. you make distance totally negligible, in both years and miles. (or something like that)
3. i love you man but what the fuck are you doing? there are so many people that would help you, myself totally included. i wish things were different, especially your environment. i think in different situations things would be different in the best way. hopefully soon youll either get help or a lovely realization to help.
4. youre one of those people that when a person is about to bitch about stuff they feel bad because people have it much worse off than me. i really like how we're getting closer and do shit together. man shit.
5. i dont know you that well. and thats stupid. i totally dig hanging out with you but sometimes its a bit awkward. makes me wonder if some people are just meant to hang out with other people. i hope to be proven wrong, it doesnt seem too radical either.
6. i have never understood how someone can be so intentionally cruel. and i understand why youre like this ... its natural to be jealous. also, you remind me so much of another who thinks theyre better than everyone... it was like a reflection. and thats why i was happy that things ended. but youre still around. what the fuck. and you use things that arent yours. youre like tofu.... no, tofu is delicious. bad analogy.
btw, those arent boobs.
7. you were a big part of my life and now youre nothing. and i am perfectly fine with that. seriously. im happy about it. it takes something terrible to do that and yet you did it with flying colors. hindsight doesnt look well on you. and thanks for all the fucking help when i needed it the most.
8. i thought you were the laurel of the duo, you know, boring and could be a girls name... but in the last year or so i found it was the exact opposite. EXACT opposite. in truth, im quiet jealous of you. youre doing what you want at the place you want. but its cool cuz we're still tyte, boi. which shows a lot about your character.
9. ive modeled myself after you because you are my hero; sports teams, neckware, how you treat someone, and how i wish that my life becomes. the saddest thing is that i am starting to forget you.
10. im really quite proud of how youve succeeded lately in life. lyf, if you will. but lighten up! yeah, youre the responsible one, but you can have a good time without hydrating yourself beforehand. and also, give him a break. he's a good guy and he's just trying to make you happy... which i dont see why since you barely acknowledge his existance.
11. get some balls.
12. pretty much everyday i mean to see you, but i have a life. you need to realize that. and also realize when youre bitching like an old lady, because thats not fun. everyone, seriously, everyone loves you though.
13. what the fuck are you doing? i dont see how you feel like your life has a meaning. everything youre doing seems very destructive. and also selfish. so, what? does doing something for someone else once every few weeks make you feel good or is it to just get a free meal? i hate that i still stick up for you and keep your fucking secrets. and yet i still love you. at least now im not liable for keeping track of you.
14. after a year of bullshit, dirty apartment, a curly intruder, and a lovely meeting with a road barrier im done with it. and ive heard that youre still about the same. so... i do hope that youre happy, but i dont know why you had to change completely. if you come back; call me, you were fun. i hope she's at least good in the sack | | |
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